Too Easy to Get Divorced? (Or too Easy to Get Married?)

People often ask me if it is too easy to get divorced. I usually reply that I think it is really quite difficult to get divorced. But, I know what they mean. They wonder if more people would stay married if divorce was more difficult to obtain.

I doubt that creating legal barriers to divorce would keep couples to stay together and, even if it did, I don't think many of us would be happy with results. Couples who stayed together long after the relationship has failed do not necessarily do themselves, or their children, any favors.

Unless we can find better ways to make longterm relationships work, forcing people to stay married will only be window dressing. I am not wise enough to hold the secret to preventing the deterioration of relationships but I am convinced that helping people strengthen these bonds is truly worthy of our attention.

I also think that the success of these efforts will depend, in large part, on our ability to address these problems as early as possible. Too often couples find that at least one spouse has reached a point of no return long before any serious effort has been made to rehabilitate the relationship. When I hear these stories from my clients I often wonder if they might have had a chance to save the relationship if there has been some type of constructive early intervention.

How early should couples confront the challenges of divorce? I suppose we could all stand to learn a bit more about relationships from the time we first start yelling "mine" in the sandbox. But since my focus has been primarily on learning how to sustain longterm relationships, I am wondering more about how we can help people when they are considering making a true commitment. It seems there is much there is more we could be doing to help couples prior to marriage. Couples who enter marriage understanding that even the best marriages will be difficult and who prepare themselve to confront these challenges will likely have a better chance to avoid the pain uncoupling that I witness each day.

Does that mean we should make it harder to get married? I doubt that creating legal barriers to marriage would will have any positive effect. However, I do think that we are capable of developing a culture that focuses on helping our friends, neighbors and family members think about marriage,(and child bearing) differently. Maybe if we can, at minimum, create a collective "speed bump" that helps people slow down and reflect on the depth of their commitment before they put that big deposit down for their wedding bash.