A word of caution about being too careful.

From the time we are born, we are told to be careful; by our parents, then our teachers, our doctors, our lawyers and just about anyone who wants us to avoid certain risks. It has often made me wonder whether we are more at risk of being “too careful” in our lives. As Thoreau once warned, we may be running an even greater risk of “carrying our songs to the grave.”

It seems to me that every act of caution carries with it some hidden risks and, unless we look at the risks on both sides of the equation, (the risk from inaction as well as action), we are lacking true balance in our lives. For example:

When a parent tries to avoid the risk of harm to their child or their lawn by refusing to let the child play in the park or run in the yard, they may be creating a greater risk of stifling the child’s social development.

When we avoid asking someone about their lives to avoid awkwardness, we may create a greater risk of appearing not to care.

When doctors hold back information to reduce the risk of being sued, they may seem to lack authenticity and create a risk that we will distrust them.

When lawyers tell us to put disclaimers on everything, they may appear to be putting their needs ahead of the clients.

When we avoid doing frivolous things so that we can work long hours to make a living, we run the risk that we will not live as long, or that we may not enjoy our lives quite as much.

When we avoid saying what we really think, in order to avoid being misunderstood, we create a greater risk that we may never truly be understood.

I heard Robert Gates say recently, that the only way to avoid making mistakes is to “say nothing, do nothing, be nothing.”

I am not saying we need to throw caution to the wind; but it might be okay to at least crack open a window to let it catch a little breeze.

So, all you who read this blog, this is your day, to go out and take those risks, make those mistakes, seize the day.

Caution: The content of this blog is for information purposes only. Please consult your doctor, lawyer, clergy and parents before doing anything out of the ordinary. The blogger is not responsible for any damage caused by the reckless behavior that may result from this advice. (However, if all goes well, I am hoping you will give me full credit.)

Letting Go of Our Plans to Make Room for What Really Happens

We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.

- E. M. Forester


I first heard this quote from one of my favorite divorce clients. She was clearly still in pain about the divorce; deeply saddened by a divorce she did not want. This quote helped her move ahead. The faith that somehow there was a better life waiting for her gave her the strength she needed to move ahead and helped her make healthy decisions during this critical juncture in her life.

That was many years ago. I talked to her this past year and she was happier than she had ever been; maybe happier than she ever thought she would be. Hearing about happy endings is the greatest reward my job offers.

It doesn’t always happen this easily. But I wonder if she could have found so much happiness if she had not summoned up the courage to let go of her old beliefs about what her life needed to be. I have watched divorcing people hang onto their resentments like grim death and I have wondered whether they will ever be able to let go of the anger and the hurt.

I cannot judge them either way. I have not been divorced but I know how hard it can be to let go of things. There is a part of me that wants to hold on stubbornly to my way of looking at things and my expectations of the way are supposed to happen. I have always believed in new beginnings. It has been only recently that I have started to understand how new beginnings must be preceded by burying cherished old plans.

For many, the ability to let go of the need to completely control our destiny is a matter of faith. For others, it may be simply the triumph of experience over delusion. In either case, coming to acceptance of this reality seems to bring a sense of peace.